The drugs will come on soon, I have to write quickly.
Why did I hop on? I don’t feel good and things I usually do seem futile. Then I distract myself by doing “cheap things”, like watching movies, browsing meme boards. Pornography was a big thing, not so much anymore. I’m looking for hookups again and I don’t want to. I do want to fuck, to feel better.
I am an addict. While I am doing the things, I wish I could stop. And I judge myself, degrade myself. Ironically, I discovered this on LSD. What drives me to do the drugs is the compulsion, which in turn is fed by the belief that I am worthless and that whatever I do can’t give me worth. So it doesn’t matter what I do, doesn’t matter that I make a fool out of myself, doesn’t matter that I degrade myself in other ways.
I just want this voice to stop for a little bit.
But she won’t stop.