The party last week seems like an eternity ago. When I say party, I mean rape. At the beginning of the week, I didn’t sleep well. Images were flashing through my mind. And noises. On Monday I wrote her boyfriend, stating that what happened was not okay and that we let her down. They said it “went longer than it should have” and that “it won’t happen again”.
I have failed myself. I should have spoken up. It doesn’t matter if she’s my girlfriend or another person, I should have spoken up instead of delegating responsibility to those degenerates. But I didn’t want to make a scene. I was afraid. Afraid that I will be ignored, so I did not speak up. The event was like a wake-up call, a jolt of electricity that put things into perspective. Do I delegate responsibility of my life as a whole?
I told Eve that I think her boyfriend is taking advantage of her. I’m sure she would take issue with me misgendering her trans-woman partner. What I see is a classical woman/man relationship, where the man takes advantage of the woman. This triggers my righteous feelings. I do feel silly, being accusatory and disapproving of their lifestyle, like I know what’s right and what the truth is. What I do know is that it conflicts with my morality and I want to stand up for that, no matter what other people think. The reason I conclude that it is wrong is because I ask questions. And it seems like Eve is being strung along. Her boyfriend talked about moving in together, about joint bank accounts. After the rape. Peculiar timing. Eve seemed happy about that, it gives her hope. Hope that they’ll want to be a father, that they want to have kids, that they want to move in together. What an asshole. Deeply unhealthy. Reminds me of myself in previous relationships. I had the decency to eventually break it off though. Moral high ground established.
I mentioned this to Eve. That I think she’s being strung along. The peculiar timing. The fact that she will need to make concessions to move in, because she just bought an apartment for herself only. There is more. Her boyfriend lives with other people, his other partner. And he told Eve that he is thinking about ending the poly to be with her. Stupid prick.
This moral outrage masks my feelings. My role. What I want. I like it when Eve sleeps over. When we spend time together, when we talk. I think I am lonely. I don’t think I can leave her like this. I want to support her. And part of me still wants to fuck her, to feel her, to make each other feel whole. But the more time we spend together, the more I realize that it can’t happen. We are playing out a strange game, an unhealthy dynamic. If she could have kids, it’d be possibly worth it for me. I am not sure if I am using biological kids as an excuse to distance myself.
Don’t I think I deserve more? Eve and my previous girl, I had to both pry them out of the clutches of some abuser. My first girlfriend ever had a boyfriend when I met her. Said boyfriend bit me in a fit of jealousy. Story for another time. I fucked a lot of married women through the swinger scene.
What I want is simple: a classical relationship with an attractive woman that likes me. A partnership that has mutual support and growth as a foundation. Growing old together. I don’t think that’s in it for me.
What am I waking up to?